I want it. I want to fall in love again. And it's not just because I've been viewing Jane Austen-type novels and movies. It is because I am trying to get real with myself. I've been through hell and back...again...in the last five years. I'm in a good place now. I'm taking care of myself for once. I'm ready.
And...I don't want the dream, the romance novel kind of love, or even the Jane Austen ideal love. I want the down and dirty...puke in my hands because I don't want you to on our new carpet...tell me I'm acting like an idiot but still love me....lying in a hospital bed with my body riddled with cancer and reading me the Laughter's the Best Medicine pages in the latest Reader's Digest because you know it's my favorite...kind of love. I want a real love. I've fallen for the fake stuff many times. I'm ready for the real thing.
I want to look at someone and know I would rather be with them than anyone else. I want to have someone look at me like I am the only person they want to spend the rest of their life with. I want it. I'm putting it out there for all of you to see. Now...I think I have to move because what I want isn't in Utah. Every man is either already married, gay, or still living in their mother's basement playing video games. They just don't exist here. I missed the ideal Utah marriage boat...twice.
To be honest....I have been hiding from true intimacy forever. Even when I have been in relationships I have avoided going to that level. I'm deathly afraid that if someone knows the real me (who is wonderful, amazing, and completely crazy)...they will reject me. I've come close once...and they did. But I am at the point in my life where I am willing to try again. I'm older, I'm wiser, I'm completely overwhelmed and have no time for it...so I think it is time for it to happen. :)
Wish me luck.
5 comments:
you go girl! you deserve the truest of all loves! and i am not saying that because i am biased cuz i am your friend- you really have had to work some hard and i am sure lonely hours to achieve where you are right now in life. what can i say- i am very happy for you! :)
Good Luck Sista Friend!!!! You deserve it!!
Sang it, sister-o-mine! And if you figure out where all these perfect men are hiding, please take me there!
That was a very sweet post. I wish you the best of luck for the best of loves for the best of women! You deserve it!
You are one brave chick. I truly commend you for posting this. I think this world would be a better place if we all learned to actively create intention regularly.
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